So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
