the condom got lost in my hair
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Someone came in the potted fern
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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