I skipped work to stalk him.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What a dumb baby whore.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
