It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
