You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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