your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
