Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
