i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
