God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
