i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
