I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
