maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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