I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
