Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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