Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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