Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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