sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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