Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
