i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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