I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
