I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
