Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
