on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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