Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
