how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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