I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
