I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
