Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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