I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
