How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
