OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
