i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
