I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
