Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
