He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Randomize
