Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
