walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
