the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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