One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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