tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
