haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
