I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
