guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
