I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
