if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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