Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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