A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
