my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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