I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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