We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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